funny

NOT CANDIDATES BUT ALIENS…

The 2014 election hasn’t even occurred and I already received a letter from the DNC warning me about the evil  2016 Republican nominees for the Presidency.  I thank Mrs. Debbie Wasserman Shultz for informing that many of these candidates want to poison the air, eat children and are really Martians.   The Martian part might be a bit too far but the way she described these good people you might believe she’s going in this direction.

I understand the importance of “hype” to get people to donate to your cause but I can’t believe even the deepest partisan believes this crap.  I also realize that it’s important to keep it short and sweet so why don’t you write about the President’s successes that should be no more then a sentence.   That wasn’t nice but at least it was more true then the materials I received from Mrs. Shultz which I’m sure she’ll be happy to know will be recycled. I could always use another Pooper Scooper.  Let the games begin!

DOESN’T THIS LOOK LIKE MORE FUN

Dear Mr. President:

I believe a man of your statue needs more time to spend with his friends at Martha’s Vineyard and Hollywood. Therefore may I suggest that you and the V.P. take an early retirement package.   I can only imagine how annoying dealing with all the White House business can be for you whether it’s all those crisis in the world or the economy that just wouldn’t listen to you isn’t it time for more rest and relaxation.  Your poll numbers are sinking and there have been many different calls for impeachment over some silly laws you bended and ignored with some constitution or something but of course you know better.

I will contribute the first dollar to this campaign for early retirement ( it will be my first dollar to a Democratic campaign) and I’m sure many of my fellow American’s would be happy to contribute as well.  This way instead of raising monies for some losing cause you can use it for your early retirement instead.   Think of the good you will do for yourself and the nation.  Think of the moments with Beyoncé as well (sorry Michele). Happy Retirement and take Joe with you.

Sincerely

Bruce Weinfeld

P.S. If the retirement angle is not your gig I think I can find you a great position as a NCAA announcer or comedian (our country has become a big joke)

I used to search for my compliments directed at me but now I’ll take even those in my vicinity.  They may have said the dog was cute but maybe deep down inside it was directed to me and I say thank you.  That outfit my brother is wearing might get all the attention but maybe it was truly directly the beautiful sweatpants I’m wearing. Sometimes people  might be afraid to tell it to my face so  I say,  thank you.  You might ask I deal with the less friendly comments that are made in my directions?  Of course sometimes others might mean to speak to my brother or the dog.

Nothing showcases a change in a person better then a haircut. You can go from a “Rock Star” to a “Wall Street Executive in less then 15 minutes. It’s amazing how people will not only look at you differently after such a change but speak to you differently as well.  This haircut creates the appearance that this person  has cut or added some brain cells as well (depending on your prospective).   So if you’re really ready for a change I suggest you sit in this seat (below). Maybe a different barber might be safer.

I’m a celebrity maybe with a few less fans but still a celebrity in my own right. Everyday  a young lady waits anxiously till I get up and when I do she doesn’t give me a moments peace. She even bangs on the door when I take a shower. There are times her brother will join her and follow me around. They wait impatiently for my every appearance as if I just got of a world tour.

I understand that these aren’t the human type of fans but what better loyalty can a celebrity have (if only Justin had a few more)  and the great thing about these fans is we can always find one at the local pound. It’s time you become a celebrity today and pick up your own four legged fan who will adore you at all times (you can also borrow mine for an hour or so). Enjoy the fame it can truly last a lifetime.

MY BIGGEST FAN ESPECIALLY WITH A CINNAMON SNACK

ACTUALLY TOASTER OVEN- (World News)

Today there appeared to be a conspiracy against me by inanimate objects. Now before you place me in a nice white room in a special jacket let me explain. Upon waking up I entered my bathroom and noticed a heavy light fixture dangling dangerously over my head. I knew I needed cover so I went into the kitchen and opened my pantry only to be attacked by plates that came from all directions.  If it wasn’t for my trusted dog who made sure that these plates had no food on top I don’t know where I would be today.  I’m still  a bit worried though because the toaster oven is giving me that evil look (see above).

P.S. If you’re taking this seriously I have a bridge for sale.

Those that know me understand that I usually hate the word “fair”.  I believe we all are dealt a deck and it’s how we deal with them that truly matters but sometimes that word does pop up. Here are a few examples  (click below). WHICH ONE IS THE UNFAIREST

This truly isn’t fair I want my….

It’s hard for me to admit this since usually dogs kick butt but this one goes to the cat (see attached). Don’t worry dogs I still love you more. When was the last time a cat licked your face without a sandpaper tongue. Let’s also not forget most of us have heard of service dogs not service cats.  Once in awhile I guess we all have those cat days.

Click to find a rare cat victory- Don’t get cocky it’s just one time.