THAT’S ME WITHOUT THE TUSK
I’m a man that is not afraid of Spiders, Blizzards, Hurricanes or even death but show me a mouse and I’ll screech like a big elephant. If there kept in a cage the fear goes away but when they start running on the floor I like to run on a chair. I know it’s silly because how much harm could a mouse do but when they run so fast it feels like their crawling on my arm. NOW THAT I REVEALED FOR FEARS PLEASE REVEAL YOURS.
My daughter will definitely attest to this not all my jokes are winners. Some of the might even be corny but that’s always better then the “Dead Joke”. A Dead Joke is a joke that dies in mid air and crashes to the ground. Yet there are ways to survive this disaster (see below).
(1) QUICK COMEBACK- Realize you’re joke is crashing and make some self deprecating remark about yourself or the joke itself.
(2) IGNORE IT- Pretend the joke never existed and move onto the next joke.
(3)BLAME IT ON GAS- Fart jokes always help when all else fails. You could also blame the Arabs who own all this stuff.
(4) CRY- People will generally empathize with tears and even the sadistic will laugh.
(5) SING- It will definitely draw attention away from the joke. This may not work in a library though.
After I battled a day of driving through the pouring rain I realized how much respect I have for the wild animals. Here they stand in the middle of the woods without a jacket or umbrella while most of us hide in our houses and cars. I understand that some make a home from dirt to protect them from the elements but give me a break it’s dirt. Here are a few other reasons I respect my four legged friends.
1) Times can be tough but even during this winter you never see them beg for change.
2) They some how find a way to survive on their own without a penny of government assistance.
3) Wild Animals don’t complain about the lack of variety they eat what they have to eat.
4) They don’t need a new movie or television show to keep themselves entertained they’re just fine with sniffing each others butt or biting an ear or so.
5) We think we’re the smart ones but they;re not stupid enough to put some substance in their body to get high and die. They enjoy the simple pleasures like eating and living everyday.
6) Animals don’t spend money and time trying to meet the right partner and get rejected. If they like someone it’s quite obvious and they get right down to business.
(7) As wild as they are they know when to sleep and when it’s time to go to work . Imagine your teenage son or daughter having that ability.
COULD CHOCOLATE BE UNDER THREAT?
I have been pretty much an agnostic when it comes to the issue of Global Warning. I don’t have the scientific knowledge to dispute either point and have seen plenty of credible facts on both sides of the issue. Either way I still don’t believe we as a nation should refrain from being energy efficient because of possible threats in the future when the threat of our dependency is real today. I also understand the politics on both sides that are utilizing their powers to try to convince the public.
In my personal life I see no reason to burn up more CO2 then I need so I make sure my lights are off and do much of that greeny stuff but nothing over the weeds (green weeds get it). That was until a threat was posed to major bone in my body (see below) “my chocolate bone”. This scare is even more horrible then seeing Al Gore naked. I might have to become a “chocolate prepper”
Click why Global Heating hits my chocolate bone.
DID SOMEONE TAKE A PICTURE OF ME?
When your puppy tells you it’s time to get up you get up unless you don’t mind a present in the morning. The problem is the puppy might tell you to get up again and again and….(you get the point). There so cute and cuddly when they lick your face and play but not so at 3AM in the morning. In the end this little creature takes over until sleep becomes a thing you only dreamed about but did I mention they are so cute.
SURE YOU GET THIS MUCH FRUIT.
I believe the Mango is G-D’s joke and he’s laughing at every bite. Every time some person looks at this fruit they feel like they are getting a big meal until they hit the pit. It’s like 3/4 of the fruit. It’s the joke that keeps on giving because no matter how many times you see it you always believe there’s got to be more fruit inside. The fruit is amazing but you have to buy 20 of them to get the same amount of fruit you get from let’s say an orange. Imagine a guy dropping Mango’s all over the floor as he …. Oops that’s G-D’s next joke.
Last night I took a cooking class and you guessed what, I was the only guy. Let me make this perfectly clear I am a heterosexual as a matter of fact this gift was given to me by my children. I just love to cook! It was embarrassing the entire time the woman who conducted the class kept saying ladies with the occasional gentleman snuck in. It’s not like it football season and the NCAA basketball tournament just started so what’s your excuse guys. Boy that sounds so g**. Can’t a guy love to cook … with the ladies? Just to make sure I’m still a man I’m going to change the oil … of my frying pan.
HE TOOK THE NEWS A BIT TOO FAR. DON’T WORRY I’M DRIVING HIM HOME
First their was great news for my Irish breath en (see previous blog) now one for my Mexican friends (see below). It would have been nice if they found a cure related to Manishewitz before Purim. I guess I’m a Mexican/Irish Jew now.
Oreo’s have never been this good and that’s bad. These cookies are outrageous with flavor that there is no way you can eat one even if your hands were tied behind your back which is bad because it’s gross to eat with your feet. These cookies are so good that many people will sell their soul for another bite and we all know that’s horrible it should be for at least a whole cookie (just joking G-D but you’ve got to try them). There is a way these cookies could be used for good though; let them be used during criminal interrogation and I promise all unsolved crimes will be solved the only problem is we will have a lot more pleasantly plump prisoners.
Don’t worry I’m not coming out of the closet unless you consider my pretzel fetish, it’s not that bad. It’s just whenever I go food shopping and see a bag of Snyder Pretzels I have to buy them and worse then that I have to eat them right away. I could just be going for a bottle of milk but Snyder will stand in the way and that I’ll have to eat them. Why does that sound bad
The latest variety I had to try was the “Salted Carmel” and this flavor lived up to it’s name and added to my waistline. The light Carmel taste with a touch of a salt is just what the doctor ordered (I hope it’s on my next prescription). Snyder my love affair with the pretzel continues with you and you’re many flavors.