ACTUALLY TOASTER OVEN- (World News)
Today there appeared to be a conspiracy against me by inanimate objects. Now before you place me in a nice white room in a special jacket let me explain. Upon waking up I entered my bathroom and noticed a heavy light fixture dangling dangerously over my head. I knew I needed cover so I went into the kitchen and opened my pantry only to be attacked by plates that came from all directions. If it wasn’t for my trusted dog who made sure that these plates had no food on top I don’t know where I would be today. I’m still a bit worried though because the toaster oven is giving me that evil look (see above).
P.S. If you’re taking this seriously I have a bridge for sale.