funny

I know it’s the beginning of the 2016 Presidential Campaign but I’m so confused because I believe this is the strongest Republican field I’ve seen in my lifetime.  At the beginning I was feeling Marcoish (leaning to Marco Rubio) but then I heard Scott Walker and felt maybe I got it wrong, then Ted had to open his mouth and then….  I’m just so confused!!!!   I wish it was August 6th already and I could throw some of the candidates out of my bus but for the now sweet 16th still remains. … wait is it true that former Virginia Governor Jim Webb is entering he’s…? Somebody help me!

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As I listened to interview of Judd Apatow by Howard Stern this morning an unusual feeling entered my emotional state… jealousy.  I’m usually the type of person who is completing happy with someone else’s success but Judd success hit me like a brick to the head.  The similarities between his life and mine were striking and I wondered how we turned out so different.  Discount his comedic brilliance and realize that we both were brought up 10 minutes apart in Long Island.  If that’s not bad enough he’s one year older and it struck me (not like that brick) that couldn’t we have had similar friends or enemies.  He loved watching many of the same T.V shows I loved but he took notes while I barely kept my eye’s open.    If by some coincidence this blog piece hits Judd Apatow’s desk I end by congratulating you for your success while I cry myself to sleep.

Of all the places this could occur why a gym? Here I was pumping iron and proving how much a man I was when suddenly a women’s face appeared.  This didn’t occur with any operation but an optical illusion where a mirror cut off my body from my head and another head appeared on top instead. The truth is I wasn’t so beautiful and was happy to get my head back on the right body even if it was just an illusion. I guess I won’t appear on Vogue anytime soon.

It appears that my stomach is trying to have a conversation especially when my vocal cords are talking as well. Maybe my stomach doesn’t want to be ignored and is asking for something to be put into it or maybe it’s just bored of the variety of dishes I’ve choices all I know is it needs to shut up or at least tone it down.  I get the point and from now I’ll try to listen to you before I put that burrito with extra beans in (probably) all I ask is that you talk to me when I’m alone. You might have a good point but know one else needs to hear it.

When the NYT starts looking at the traffic citations of Republican candidates you know they are shooting with shotguns at fleas while leaving the Ammo home as a Democratic deer steps on their feet.  Here are a few more shocking stories (below) the NY Times is investigating !!!

(1)TED CRUZ SPILLED THE MILK!

(2) RICK SANTORUM DIDN’T SAY THANK YOU!

(3)  RICK PERRY TOOK A GRAPE FROM THE SUPERMARKET!

(4) BEN CARSON DIDN’T PROPERLY CLEAN HIS FORK!

Wow catch these important stories in the NY Times… coming soon.

I’m caught between two worlds when  that telemarketer  calls me. The one world is the one that most of us are in I didn’t call for this “service” then why the  hell are you calling me about it now when I’m trying to….  The other is the salesperson in me and do unto others world where I’m supposed to understand the other person on the other side of the line. Therefore  from now on when  a telemarketer calls I’m going to be polite and ask them how there day is then hang up on them. This way both worlds can be happy.

You’re taken back by her beauty but they say that beauty is only skin deep how about if you saw it that way? What would it be like if we actually judged people (literally) from the inside instead of the outside how disgusting we’d all be. Have you ever seen the inside of your body?  Oh what a sexy heart and kidney you have and I can’t keep my eye’s off that gooey brain.  G-D sure knew what we should keep inside and what should be outside.   Therefore the next time you stammer trying to speak to that beautiful woman or man really look inside and you can be disgusted as well unless you’re into the gooey brain stuff and all.