funny

   WARNING- Do not read before, during or after you eat although this is what this concept consists of.

   This concept is a brain drain meaning it came out of my mind but it probably should be flushed down the toilet. For I would never eat in this concept as one doesn’t eat where one does “their business”  This restaurant would look like a giant bathroom where drinks were served out of urinal looking cups and there would be plenty of pudding type entrees as well. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination if you are not eating, which I’m going to attempt to do after this disgusting idea, that I probably should have wiped away instead.

I’ve determined you can be a great actress because you get all emotional about even the smallest things yet the play hasn’t even begun. Maybe you’re continuing to practice just in case that part suddenly appears but trust me I’ll give you plenty of time to prepare. You’re ready today so take a breather and be yourself well maybe you should act like someone else instead.

If you never told me I probably wouldn’t have smelt it…  at least to the point that it is in my nose now.  For your remarks opened up a new pathway to that smell that didn’t lead directly to my nose but my head and even as the air appears to be pushing it away the fear lingers on. The smell you built up has become a drama my mind won’t allow my nose to escape from any time soon.

WARNING- MIGHT BE TOO JEWISH

It all started when I was 8 days old with a little snip in front of 100’s of people.  People say you forget your Bris but let’s  say they ran out of the Manischewitz after the procedure or it was a bad year, for I saw it all. Everyone looking at me in my birthday suit and just as I was just getting over a really great nap.  Imagine if you can the humiliation of everyone seeing you butt naked (literally) and watching your Shmuck (literally) go by, by. There were cheers of delight when it was all over but all I could think about was pass me the Vodka this wine is doing nothing. What a nightmare that turned out to be a blessing after all. Boy and they wonder why we Jews are so confused. G-D this has to be a divine act because who would have come up with such an act that one could eat a bagel with.

FOOTNOTE- If none of this makes sense to you please ask your local Rabbi or Priest that has a Jewish friend.

Last night I was on stage and didn’t even realize after my act that I was performing.  I also didn’t realize who I was performing for because then I at least would have been in for the jokes. Yes, G-D loves a good laugh and I definetly brought some on with my act called “Quick”.  I thought it was going to be a day with plenty of free time as I left work earlier to visit a doctor but that is where the punch line comes in.

(1) My stop to the Fast Food chain was less then fast. It was delicious but so slow I almost missed the doctors appointment even though plenty of time was scheduled for that in advance.

(2) The nurse examined my right on time only to wait and wait until the doctor said everything was okay except for my patients.

(3) My good deed of attending a Shiva call resulted in my waiting in my car for I had come too early after my previous waits.

(4) Another trip to a fast food restaurant was much slower then normal as they actually had to start from scratch.

(5) A pick up at 9PM actually had me wait till after bedtime.

G-D willing someone else will be on the big stage today who actually enjoys the laughter she/he is producing for the big boss.

Unless you are currently living in France you have to root for Crotia to win the World Cup.  Yes, it is true I know less about this sport then Biophysics and I thought I made up this word. Yet Crotia is a classic David battling a whole bunch of Goliath’s on the field and we all know which ending we like best.  So go Crotia and show the world that you deserve this Cup even if I don’t know what sport you’ll be playing.

FOOTNOTE- Yes, I know it’s Football but why can’t they use their hands.

You asked me “what am I stupid” and the answer is yes now let me be. For how can you argue with someone who doesn’t have the ability to know better. What seems obvious to you isn’t funny is funny to those of my intellect so you can’t blame me for telling that joke even in front of your friends.  Yes, people with brains would understand how you feel but since I’m lacking then be more patient and explain it a bit slower or better yet drop the point.  Why waste the time trying to explain that anger to someone with my brain power it will only get you more mad as I won’t really understand your emotional outburst.  Now that we got the clear you could leave this stupid person alone I have to finish reading War and Peace as well as explore Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.

  NOT TO READ BY THOSE EATING OR ATTEMPTING TO OR THOSE EASILY UPSET BY HUMAN ACTIONS

Why is it when one sneezes they say excuse me but when other bodily actions occur that are even patently more offensive not a word is heard?  A matter of fact when one has dealt it they usually blame another.  A sneeze is loud and if not covered can effect others but usually people are polite as they cover up yet that doesn’t occur with the other bodily offense.  The noise is only 1/3 of the problem and what makes it worse is some are in the silent mode where one doesn’t have a moment to escape.  So let me say to all those effected by my bodily process in the past, today or tomorrow “excuse me” even if you’re only read it in this blog post,  for tomorrow it was the dog.