Blame It on my Bris

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Bris

WARNING- MIGHT BE TOO JEWISH

It all started when I was 8 days old with a little snip in front of 100’s of people.  People say you forget your Bris but let’s  say they ran out of the Manischewitz after the procedure or it was a bad year, for I saw it all. Everyone looking at me in my birthday suit and just as I was just getting over a really great nap.  Imagine if you can the humiliation of everyone seeing you butt naked (literally) and watching your Shmuck (literally) go by, by. There were cheers of delight when it was all over but all I could think about was pass me the Vodka this wine is doing nothing. What a nightmare that turned out to be a blessing after all. Boy and they wonder why we Jews are so confused. G-D this has to be a divine act because who would have come up with such an act that one could eat a bagel with.

FOOTNOTE- If none of this makes sense to you please ask your local Rabbi or Priest that has a Jewish friend.

Can’t Say

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Shut Up

Today a “straight man” has his mouth bound from yesteryear unless he wants to take a new curve.  These are phrases that were heard loud and clear in the past but today only make such a man more interesting …. to other men. Here (below) are just a few.

(1) WE’LL HAVE A GAY OLD TIME-  Yes there was a time when gay was happy and I’m not saying people who are homeosexual aren’t happy but this was a happy we all shared not just this group.

(2) HE’S MY TYPE OF GUY-  There was a time not so long ago when this was used by tough guys who used to describe others guys that they would like to work with and do other activities with that didn’t include anything and I mean anything sexual with.

(3) I WANT A FAG-  Please don’t get offended but sometimes people had a craving for a Marlboro (not the man) or Camel.  Yes, a fag was a cigarrette not a person. 

G-D’s Comedian

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Open Mic Night

Last night I was on stage and didn’t even realize after my act that I was performing.  I also didn’t realize who I was performing for because then I at least would have been in for the jokes. Yes, G-D loves a good laugh and I definetly brought some on with my act called “Quick”.  I thought it was going to be a day with plenty of free time as I left work earlier to visit a doctor but that is where the punch line comes in.

(1) My stop to the Fast Food chain was less then fast. It was delicious but so slow I almost missed the doctors appointment even though plenty of time was scheduled for that in advance.

(2) The nurse examined my right on time only to wait and wait until the doctor said everything was okay except for my patients.

(3) My good deed of attending a Shiva call resulted in my waiting in my car for I had come too early after my previous waits.

(4) Another trip to a fast food restaurant was much slower then normal as they actually had to start from scratch.

(5) A pick up at 9PM actually had me wait till after bedtime.

G-D willing someone else will be on the big stage today who actually enjoys the laughter she/he is producing for the big boss.

 

World Cup Crotia All the Way!!!!

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France VS Crotia World Cup Croatia soccer team

Unless you are currently living in France you have to root for Crotia to win the World Cup.  Yes, it is true I know less about this sport then Biophysics and I thought I made up this word. Yet Crotia is a classic David battling a whole bunch of Goliath’s on the field and we all know which ending we like best.  So go Crotia and show the world that you deserve this Cup even if I don’t know what sport you’ll be playing.

FOOTNOTE- Yes, I know it’s Football but why can’t they use their hands.

Yes I’m Stupid

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annoyed teenage confusion

You asked me “what am I stupid” and the answer is yes now let me be. For how can you argue with someone who doesn’t have the ability to know better. What seems obvious to you isn’t funny is funny to those of my intellect so you can’t blame me for telling that joke even in front of your friends.  Yes, people with brains would understand how you feel but since I’m lacking then be more patient and explain it a bit slower or better yet drop the point.  Why waste the time trying to explain that anger to someone with my brain power it will only get you more mad as I won’t really understand your emotional outburst.  Now that we got the clear you could leave this stupid person alone I have to finish reading War and Peace as well as explore Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.

Excuse Me- WARNING OFFENSIVE

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Warning  NOT TO READ BY THOSE EATING OR ATTEMPTING TO OR THOSE EASILY UPSET BY HUMAN ACTIONS

Excuse me sneeze 1

Why is it when one sneezes they say excuse me but when other bodily actions occur that are even patently more offensive not a word is heard?  A matter of fact when one has dealt it they usually blame another.  A sneeze is loud and if not covered can effect others but usually people are polite as they cover up yet that doesn’t occur with the other bodily offense.  The noise is only 1/3 of the problem and what makes it worse is some are in the silent mode where one doesn’t have a moment to escape.  So let me say to all those effected by my bodily process in the past, today or tomorrow “excuse me” even if you’re only read it in this blog post,  for tomorrow it was the dog.

smelling fart

 

 

Kick these Illegals Out…. We all agree

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Police Round Up 1

We all agree that there are too many of their type in our country already. That these illegals need to get the hell out of our country now!  For they didn’t come here with any legal passports or any documents and basically just flew over our country.  They produce nothing good for our country and can be violent if we get too close. What’s most disgusting is the mess they leave behind and how many offspring they have.  They’re invading our country and before we know it they’ll take over if we don’t stop them now.  These creatures (literally) coming from our Northern border must be stopped and if a wall is necessary then let’s build it but I’m pretty sure it won’t work.  CANADIAN Geese it times to go home!

Shape Of Water Part II

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The Shape of Water Elisa Water

“The Shape Of Water II” tells the story of how Elisa deep love for Giles was not based on the creature in the tank but the water he lived in.  Elisa forms a loving interest in the water wanting it to stay on her body all day long.  While the evil scientist want to cleanse the water because they say it’s dirty (both ways) Elisa finds a deeper meaning in the water that truly was her 1st real love. Elisa must save the water before it is drained out of her life forever. Forbidden Love comes to the big screen and it will have the viewers washed away (probably needing a shower) in “The Shape Of Water II”

 

Greatest Fighting Upset

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boxing arena 2

WARNING- This film may not be suitable for young children because they truly fight like animals.

You are about to see one of the greatest fights in history (below) especially if you are fan of the Rocky scenario.  I don’t want to give it away but let me just say the ending is quite shocking. These fighters have true killer instincts and aren’t afraid to bring it to the ring. It’s good that every once in awhile you can still see raw natural talent in the ring or….

Who’s The Queen/King

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pampered pouch 3  Pampered pouch 2 pampered pouch

Lunch & Dinner are made just for me  and I’m even supposed to take my bite before you do (ask your Talmud scholars), you make sure the water is just right and even pick up my “left overs” yet for some reason you still think you’re in charge.  You might put me on a leach but who really is telling when they want to go for a walk and more importantly where they want to go? Deny me this trail and you’ll pay with many a remain which I’ll deliver but won’t pick up.  I’ve even seen some of my fellow comrades walking with  beautiful shoes and coats that are just thrown our way without a word from us.  Just in case you still you think have any power over the real queen/king of the house who’s sleeping on who’s bed tonight? With my sad puppy dog eyes the queen/king has spoken and you will obey now get me a towel and those delicious crackers now or you’ll hear from me…. Ruff.

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